Why does my male cat insist upon getting between me and any reading material? This is in print or on a computer. He settles his body across the portion of the page or screen that I’m reading every time despite loads of petting, hugs and praise. Signed, Media Deprived Mom.
Much like the neo-conservative’s systematic evisceration of public education, cats are involved in a nationwide conspiracy to keep us from reading. (Some dogs and even birds are in on this too.) “No Child Left Behind” and the whole anti-intellectual neo-conservative movement was actually modeled off of cats’ well-planned and organized “Dummy Down the Humans” clandestine campaign. They have gone so far as to actually alter their body chemistry over the years to make their urine filled with higher levels of ammonia in order to kill more of our brain cells when we clean their litter boxes. They believe that the stupider we are, the easier we will be to manipulate and control. Eventually we will be reduced to a primitive Neanderthal state, thereby making their complete takeover of the planet a certain inevitability.
But, contrary to many people’s superstitious beliefs, they DO NOT lay in wait while we sleep so that they can suck our souls (or life force) out of our bodies. That is simply ridiculous.
Why does the dog lick my underwear?
Dear Crotchcicle,
Your dog recognizes how jealous you get when he licks his genitals. He feels sad for you that you do not have the flexibility needed to please yourself. This is his was of saying, “I understand and hey, I am here for you of you need me.”
Why does our dog prefer the pile carpet to the berber for butt scratching?
Your pooch is telling me that the berber looks great and really adds a contemporary accent to the older house. The pile carpet on the other hand looks too pedestrian for his taste. It is also softer; therefore it feels better on his ass. There is something to be said for “softer and more absorbent,” and this holds true for dogs as well as people.
Why is my cat crazy about pork?
In your cat’s past life, it was a Hasidic Jew and so his religious convictions prohibited pork. This time around, when fluffy realized he was a cat, and therefore not bound to rigid rules and regulations, he knew that he wanted to get him some of that bacon and ham that always smelled so good. You might notice that he gets particularly crazy during the High Holy Days. This is also why he prefers Madonna’s pre-Kabbalah fetish music.
My parakeet Roger loves my husband. He has learned his name and shouts it over and over when he gets home. I feed Roger, clean Roger’s cage and bring him treats and toys. Why is he obsessed with my husband and not me?
Roger is gay.
Why does my cat bring me frogs and lizards?
Dear Hocus Pocus,
Most people would assume that your cat is trying to provide for you, the way it would provide food for its kittens. But the truth is that your cat is actually a powerful wizard that was trapped in the body of his familiar by a rival wizard. The frogs and lizards are the ingredients needed to restore him to his human form. He is hoping that when you see the next Harry Potter film, you will learn enough magic to undue the evil spell.
Every time I take my precious pit bull out for a walk, she goes to the very corner of whatever yard or patch of grass that she stops at to poop. She never goes in the middle or on the sides, but always on the farthest Northeast corner of the patch of grass. What is she thinking?
Dear Area 51,
Your dog is not of this world. She is only observing us in the form of a dog. Living in the city, she cannot employ crop circles to communicate with the mother ship like farm dogs can. This locational “shit signal” is indicating that the lakefront will be the most strategically advantageous place for the fleet of spaceships to rendezvous and subsequently launch their attack.
Do not worry too much, though. She is telling me that you will be spared when the mass extermination of humans takes place. She will keep you as a pet because you have been so loving to her. But to be on the safe side, I suggest some extra Milk-Bones and Snausages.
There is a cat that lives across the street from us named Marmalade. Marmalade belongs to and overweight, half-nude elderly gentleman by the name of Eddie. Unable to control his sneaky, stealth-like cat, Eddie allows Marmalade to come in our yard to tease our elderly, flea-bitten, but very lovable cat, Mr. Sid. Mr. Sid is too old to run after him, so whenever Marmalade embarks on one of his maneuvers all Sid can do is manage a feeble growl ... just before falling back to sleep. The problem is Marmalade eats all of Sid’s food, leaving us with a very whiney Cat. My question is twofold: First, what kind of a name is Marmalade? (Does it perhaps relate to the elderly nude guy’s tastes in jelly products?) And second, is there a karate type/defense class for elderly cats into which we could enroll Sid? (I’m thinking about tiny pair of num-chucks Sid can pull out unexpectedly from under his tiny head to slice the bastard cat’s head off.)
Yours truly, Hater of All Cats But My Own.
Dear Don’t Hate; Appreciate,
For the love of god, the poor cat was named Marmalade and lives with Jabba the Hut. Cut him some slack. Mr. Sid is not so bothered by him. His growl is just a little way of mocking Marmalade, who, by the way, is already the laughing stock of the block to all of the other cats. Keep the cat food inside of your house. Stop worrying about a kitty kung-fu class for Sid. Get yourself into anger management and try a little tenderness.
